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To a man, they're useful bendy things at the ends of the hands. But sometimes, to the women in our lives, they're mindless alien organs that need at all costs to be kept from going into most places and most foods. She suspects your fingers are why meats go bad, milk sours, and why the world contains molds, slimes and all the rest she would rather not have to touch.

I know this to be true, because my wife will often ask my daughters, right in front of me, 'did your father wash his hands', and then they will scrootch up their faces like they'd been forced to lick a lemon flavored wiggly caterpillar.
Even though we may have taken that small step in personal hygiene, there's a good chance your fingers will be the laser focus of mom's attention when they're loose in the kitchen. She will see them scratch. She will see what's under your fingernail. There will be a quiet pause when that digit of yours sweeps in slow motion through the dip bowl on its way to your taste buds. And you may not notice how white her knuckles get on the handle of the knife when it starts back down toward the bowl to get a second opinion.

This probably all got started two or three hundred millenia ago when guys were used to just wandering in from the barnyard or after butchering dinner, and the idea of soap and germs hadn't caught on yet. Apparently there's some lingering suspicion you are still that far behind the curve.

So, here's a tip: make a point about it when putting soap to those puppies. You've seen how surgeons do it on TV, walking around with their hands up high in the air to prove there's no chocolate or lunch left on them.

And here's the rule - don't put fingers in the food unless you have to, and never use them to taste anything. That's why women invented spoons. And if by chance the fingers get licked, or touch the dog or the floor, or just about anything but air, go ahead and wash them again. You'll know you're doing the right thing when your wife tells you to stop washing your hands in the kitchen sink and go use the one in the bathroom.

And it doesn't hurt every once in a while to remind the girls that fingers also work really well for tickling.

Done -O-Meter

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